Stage 1: Why?

Seriously though. Why? why now? Why this? What the hell am I getting myself into? While planning out each day and each month, there were definitely times when I felt overwhelmed by all of the recipes. Not to mention that starting in May is another challenge in itself for me, what with my birthday, my boyfriend’s birthday, our anniversary, my parents coming into town, and mother’s day on top of all that happening in one month. Phew! Best to get it out of the way right?

I would like to start cooking more, something which I have not been setting time aside for in a long-ass while. Making up excuses is easy, just bucking up and doing something is hard. I mean, I went to culinary school because I like to cook, I have a fucking degree for chrissake! And my kitchen even has all fairly new appliances and I’ve collected all this cool cooking utensils over the years, so like, come on!

2016 was already going pretty badly when I got the news of Francis passing. I never met him in person, (or should I say ‘in dog?’) but the news hit me hard. It was like the passing of my own dog. Anyone who has had a beloved dog pass will know what Chef was going through last November. I hadn’t been keeping up with cooking with dog until that time, when I went to the channel as an escape, more like a catharsis of everything happening around me. I couldn’t watch any of their videos for a month afterwards without tearing up at the sight of that curly grey poodle. I think this is my way of saying thank you, to Chef, to Francis, and everyone else who makes Cooking with Dog possible. They’ve brought so much joy to everyone who watched and I want to honor that.

Having something to distract myself from a job that I do not like (I say, politely), as well as using this new hobby as a catalyst to better habits is a big driving factor. I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing and with no motivation to change it, I need this like I need a bucket of ice water in my face – as a wake up call.

Honestly, I didn’t know when, or for what reason I became depressed. Perhaps it was a culmination of things. my job, the state of the world, my personal issues, the weather, I don’t know. It was such a struggle to do anything that used to make me happy. even when I got up in the morning, I felt like my limbs were filled with sand – heavy and unwilling to move. I’d scroll on my phone, not really looking at anything, and not care of the passing of time or doing the things you’re supposed to do, like dishes, or showering. I felt myself fading away and was terrified. Each time I would try to jumpstart myself back to life, it would just fizzle into nothing. Lately, I have been making lists of things I need to do and remember. I am the type of person who need detailed lists, or I will forget everything. It seemed to help, but it wasn’t enough.

So I guess the short answer is… it’s cheaper than therapy? Also, I can eat it. Which really trumps everything else.

Go on, tell me!

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